PTSD Rant

[splansing]

I suppose some might think I have no business putting anything up here, having never served in the military. I guess I don't really care.

I'm looking at family members who are being crushed by the weight of their experiences in the war zone. It's devastating. And why not? Whether you're the guy on the streets constantly dealing directly with the horror and shock and terror and anxiety, or the guy making command decisions that send others out to kill and die, you're not going to come back the same way you left.

What I'm seeing, what I'm hearing, and this picture make me think that the reason so many people have this reaction is they hate war and what is going on and what they found themselves doing. How do you come home and look at this beautiful baby and feel all of that love and joy in your heart, and not think about the babies young and old you were just killing? Why is this baby okay, but that baby had to die in a rocket attack?

What if your commander told you to call in artillery on a building that might have this baby in it? Would you do it?

I'm thinking of course fucking not: that's your baby you love more than life itself. Not a chance.

And in the end, there is no way to reconcile in your heart that that is exactly what happened to you in Iraq: your decisions or you following orders meant that a baby absolutely no different from the one in this picture, no different from your own baby, was killed or terribly injured, or lost a parent, or a whole family.

This is the kind of thing tearing my people apart. I see only one true way to reconcile all of this. You have to recognize that war is wrong and evil, that there is nothing worth doing what we are doing in Iraq and Afghanistan, and probably soon Iran. You pick up a weapon and defend yourself. You don't foray out into the world and destroy people absolutely no different from your own child because some fucking scumbag tells you Saddam is a bad guy.

Now I know a lot of people go the other way. They embrace the whole line of bullshit that this is war, this is the way it is, and it's necessary, and they're soldiers doing their duty. Really? Is that why my people who are struggling to hold that exact image together are out drinking a case of beer a night, waking up sobbing? Jumping out of their skin when a garbage truck drops a dumpster? Breaking out into a cold sweat an turning gray at the smell of meat cooking on a grill?

So what's the point? I guess I'm just incredibly angry and sad at what's happening to our people. I'm looking at the world, at conflicts from Korea to Afghanistan, and I'm wondering what the FUCK it was all for? I'm wondering how much damage we did to our civilization by subjecting our beautiful young people to the ungodly horrors of war over the decades? I'm wondering how many millions of people are ready and willing to take the fight to us right now because of the wars for money and political influence we've been fighting?

My family members who are suffering through all of this were willing to do anything to help. They laid their lives and their souls on the line. They trusted our leaders and gave them everything. And now they're trying to reconcile everything they truly are as decent, loving people with what they saw and did over there. Imagine, with that kind of commitment, that kind of sacrifice, that kind of dedication, what they might have accomplished in the world by helping people. Can you even imagine it? Obviously you have to be prepared to defend yourself. But our efforts have been overwhelmingly offensive since Korea, serving needs other than our defense.

The reason for this rant is a desire to maybe help veterans, including my family members, who are suffering from this war. Maybe the way for them to feel better is to tell them that it's okay to hate what happened over there, that even though at the time they had to bury it all and fight through it, they're still the same people they always were. And that the best thing they can do for our soldiers and for themselves is be real about what's going on: war is horrible, a destroyer of souls, and can never be justified except in defense. Our politicians have to be stopped. Our government is out of control. We are waging war, raining fire and terror down on people all over the world over the last 50 years, and we're doing it for reasons that keep turning out to be LIES. I think our soldiers might find it easier to re-enter society if the rest of us took our heads out of the sand and acknowledged that what was done to them and what they were made to do to others was WRONG, and they are RIGHT AND GOOD for feeling terrible about it. What happened over there, THAT is not THEM, and they need to feel free to lay it right where it belongs: at the feet of the liars and schemers, the profiteers who have corrupted our government and perpetrated these wars for their own benefit for decades now.

Hopefully, by rejecting it all, by acknowledging that these wars are wrong and evil, that these "leaders" have been burning the souls and bodies of soldiers and civilians to warm their swimming pools, hopefully they will be able to lay down some of the guilt and shame over it all, and get back to being the people they really are.

Or maybe this is just the emotional outpouring of somebody feeling stuck and stranded and helpless and watching the lives of loved ones unravel under the stress of it all. Just doing my best to get ahold of it. If you think I'm wrong about it all, that's okay. I'm really not interested in winning or being right. I'd much rather understand and do something to help. So if you think I'm wrong, I'd be really, REALLY interested in knowing what you think about it all, and what your ideas are. Because I'm stuck right now, and it's just no good at all.

[Seraphima]

PTSD is tough and complex. Without really getting into the politics of war, I have been reading that the US military is really trying to step-up the level of care and the processes that go into handling PTSD cases. That's respectable and I hope they continue to try and increase their efforts to treat existing cases and prevent future ones.

The toughest thing, I think, about having PTSD is that it can make the simplest, everyday tasks into a nightmare. Anything can set off a flashback - virtually any stimulation to a sensory system is a potential trigger. Dealing with the feelings associated with PTSD is brutal enough, but the triggers are probably what I find the most challenging, (non-combat related PTSD).