Thread: My jokes....

"The Bureau of Engraving told Congress they couldn't keep up with Congress' spending and needed a new billion dollar printing facility. Congress decided to out-source the printing of U.S. money to China." This one had a bonus in that a group of liberals at a local cafe started defending the decision.



"Michelle Obama announced yesterday that she was pregnant and White House spokesman Gibbs immediately announced that President Bush did it."



From 2003. "Do you know what Senator John Kerry, comedian Jerry Lewis, and dictator Saddam Hussein have in common?"

"The French love them."

[quote name='patrickt' date='04 January 2010 - 07:20 AM' timestamp='1262607645' post='91672']

"The Bureau of Engraving told Congress they couldn't keep up with Congress' spending and needed a new billion dollar printing facility. Congress decided to out-source the printing of U.S. money to China." This one had a bonus in that a group of liberals at a local cafe started defending the decision.



"Michelle Obama announced yesterday that she was pregnant and White House spokesman Gibbs immediately announced that President Bush did it."



From 2003. "Do you know what Senator John Kerry, comedian Jerry Lewis, and dictator Saddam Hussein have in common?"

"The French love them."

[/quote]

[quote name='patrickt' date='04 January 2010 - 07:20 AM' timestamp='1262607645' post='91672']

"The Bureau of Engraving told Congress they couldn't keep up with Congress' spending and needed a new billion dollar printing facility. Congress decided to out-source the printing of U.S. money to China." This one had a bonus in that a group of liberals at a local cafe started defending the decision.



"Michelle Obama announced yesterday that she was pregnant and White House spokesman Gibbs immediately announced that President Bush did it."



From 2003. "Do you know what Senator John Kerry, comedian Jerry Lewis, and dictator Saddam Hussein have in common?"

"The French love them."

[/quote]



I really don't understand why people slam the French. Their troops are serving alongside ours.



The rest of the jokes are cute.

Here's another old one.



President Clinton arrives at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter greats him and opens the big book. "Oh-oh, I see here you lied after taking an oath to tell the truth." "St. Peter, are you a lawyer?" "No, actually, I'm a fisherman."



"Well, I'm a lawyer and your statement really depends on the definition of lied, doesn't it?" "I suppose so."



"Well, I see you sold presidential pardons to unrepentant criminals." "That depends on your definition of sold, doesn't it?" "I suppose so."



"I see here you committed adultery, repeatedly." "That depends on your definition of adultery, doesn't it?"



St. Peter said, "I'm going to have to run this by the boss. Have a seat."



President Clinton sat down and he watched the people walking by. Some were carry white tickets and were smiling and some had red tickets and were crying. He saw St. Peter returning holding a red ticket and said, "Am I going to Hell?" St. Peter thought a moment and said, "Well, that depends on your definition of Hell, doesn't it?"

[quote name='patrickt' date='08 January 2010 - 03:36 PM' timestamp='1262982961' post='95014']

Here's another old one.



President Clinton arrives at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter greats him and opens the big book. "Oh-oh, I see here you lied after taking an oath to tell the truth." "St. Peter, are you a lawyer?" "No, actually, I'm a fisherman."



"Well, I'm a lawyer and your statement really depends on the definition of lied, doesn't it?" "I suppose so."



"Well, I see you sold presidential pardons to unrepentant criminals." "That depends on your definition of sold, doesn't it?" "I suppose so."



"I see here you committed adultery, repeatedly." "That depends on your definition of adultery, doesn't it?"



St. Peter said, "I'm going to have to run this by the boss. Have a seat."



President Clinton sat down and he watched the people walking by. Some were carry white tickets and were smiling and some had red tickets and were crying. He saw St. Peter returning holding a red ticket and said, "Am I going to Hell?" St. Peter thought a moment and said, "Well, that depends on your definition of Hell, doesn't it?"

[/quote]



That's cute.

A guy is walking along the beach in CA all upset cause his girlfriend is in Hawaii and things aren't going well and he hears this voice from above that says "hey john, this is god, whats wrong". John tells him and god says "well john, you've always been a believer, what can I do to fix it, anything". John says ok, I want a highway from here right to Hawaii so I can drive and see her. God says "Whoa! You realize what you are asking for?" "A bridge halfway across the Pacific ocean?" "Do you realize how difficult that would be?" "Are you sure there is not something else that would work?" John thinks for a minute and says ok, I want to be able to understand women, what makes em happy or sad, why they cry when then do, you know everything about em. God thinks for a minute and responds......"you want that bridge 2 lanes or 4."

[quote name='Pragmatist' date='08 January 2010 - 09:24 PM' timestamp='1263003844' post='95165']

A guy is walking along the beach in CA all upset cause his girlfriend is in Hawaii and things aren't going well and he hears this voice from above that says "hey john, this is god, whats wrong". John tells him and god says "well john, you've always been a believer, what can I do to fix it, anything". John says ok, I want a highway from here right to Hawaii so I can drive and see her. God says "Whoa! You realize what you are asking for?" "A bridge halfway across the Pacific ocean?" "Do you realize how difficult that would be?" "Are you sure there is not something else that would work?" John thinks for a minute and says ok, I want to be able to understand women, what makes em happy or sad, why they cry when then do, you know everything about em. God thinks for a minute and responds......"you want that bridge 2 lanes or 4."

[/quote]



TR and I still wouldn't drive across it!

[quote name='gabebrooks' date='09 January 2010 - 02:09 AM' timestamp='1263020975' post='95222']

What?



If there were a bridge from the US mainland all the way to Hawaii, you wouldn't try it out?



Come on now...

[/quote]



I couldn't hold my breath that long. Now, if I could get stoned and sleep ... I wouldn't oppose someone else driving me there!