Thread: keeping loved ones in the dark

I just responded on a thread and it got me thinking. the last time I was in Iraq I lied to my wife about what was going on when she found out she was angry and said that the things she had in her mind were worse then the reality. This time I am headed to Bahgdad the shit is going to get ugly. My ? is

is it wrong to not tell uour fmily members what you are going through in order to prevent undo stress on the home front, new state,new baby,first time living on military reservation...I would think that making every thing sound peachy keen would only make it a little easier to deal.

just wondering what your thoughts are thanks...SSG

I think it is better that way.. I think you were right to do what you did but I imagine that its always going to be impossible in this day and age as the media report everything which happens so quickly.. you might get lucky though and the media might really lose intrest.

Originally Posted by ssgiceman

I just responded on a thread and it got me thinking. the last time I was in Iraq I lied to my wife about what was going on when she found out she was angry and said that the things she had in her mind were worse then the reality. This time I am headed to Bahgdad the shit is going to get ugly. My ? is

is it wrong to not tell uour fmily members what you are going through in order to prevent undo stress on the home front, new state,new baby,first time living on military reservation...I would think that making every thing sound peachy keen would only make it a little easier to deal.

just wondering what your thoughts are thanks...SSG

Yes! I pull out my old letters home now and I say to myself, Who was this guy? Because it sure doesn't fit what I remember. I tried to cushion everything in my letters to Mom, Sis etc. They don't really need to know until you get home. Which, by the way I will celebrate!! When do you leave?
MBTY

Originally Posted by ssgiceman

is it wrong to not tell uour fmily members what you are going through in order to prevent undo stress on the home front, new state,new baby,first time living on military reservation...I would think that making every thing sound peachy keen would only make it a little easier to deal.

Damn that's a good question, I thought my days of grappling with it were over. I, like namvet, have old letters that that I wrote in a different mind frame- I think the guy who wrote them was pretty immature. I bullshited my wife the whole time I was serving thinking I was saving her from undue stress.
Thing about it was she could tell when I was lying, yours probably can too. Something about going through the whole military indoctrination process fucks up your skills of deciet. So I would lie about my saftey, she would see that I was lying, and she would imagine worse than the reality I was trying to shield her from. If you believe in what you do, and believe in the men who are checking your six, I think it's your job as a soldier and husband to convince her of the same. She'll probably be upset with the truth, but she could be more upset from her truth if you leave it for her to make it up. I think, your wife must be strong- probably as strong as you, and if she understands what it is you are facing, and understands it's a choice you make because you value her and your ideals, she'll love you for it and respect you all the more.

I read some letters my uncle (maternal aunt's husband) sent my grandmother before and after he went AWOL. There was a huge difference in the letters. He made it sound like they were "OK" and that the war wasn't as bad as it appeared in the news (as if that was even possible!!). After he went AWOL, his letters reflected what he really felt and what was really going on. He was a scared 20 year old kid who thought telling his young wife and his mother in law that it wasn't so bad after all. Regardless what you tell your wife you're going through, I'm sure it's in the back of her mind that things are far worse than you're letting on.

My friend's husband was on security detail in Europe following 9/11. He sent letters home that made it sound like he was just hanging with the guys and that there wasn't any danger. When he came home he was angry, bitter and was suffering from PTSD. He never let her know exactly what went on, but whatever it was, it was pretty bad and she wasn't prepared for it. She figured it was "only security detail" and that it wouldnt affect him that much. I can only imagine what you'll be going through and what your wife would be feeling and has felt in the past.

You can be truthful with her without being too descriptive. We watch it on TV and it's scary, you're living it and that's probably so terrifying to her.

I just wish you and your unit a safe return home and I hope you'll be back here posting after your homecoming.

Where in Europe was He staitioned?? Kosovo?? because thats the only place here that I can think he would have anything to get worked up about..

I would want to know the truth. My Godfather made it sound like he was in Nam just sitting around buying me dolls and listening to a jukebox in a soda shop. He never told me about how he was bombed at 3 times and shot at more times than I could ever count. One of my friends was a little more graphic with what was going on in Iraq where he was and yes I did worry more. It also helped to understand the emotions he was going through when he got home. He was an Iraqi police trainer so one could only imagine the shit he saw as the trainees were targets for al quaeda and attacked in most horrific ways. My cousin tells of an incident where he and his troop were all standing around eating lunch when all of the sudden a bomb was launched on them. He grabbed his Looey's arm to drag him behind cover and quickly realized that's all he had dragged over of the man. He went back to get the rest of him and try to save him but his efforts failed. My Uncles never spoke of their experiences in WW2 or Korea so it was very hard to attempt to understand why they had nightmares or why they reacted to certain sounds or smells the way they did...If one does not tell, the other cannot begin to comprehend. Them not sharing anything caused some marital problems and one divorce. I hear quite a bit about that around Camp Pendleton these days. The women in the support groups have no clue what's going on and don't know what to do. It causes a lot of heartache when you're shut out from the one you love.

Tell the truth, even if they don't want to hear it. That way, if you do get killed, they will know exactly what happened, why it happened, and where.

Bonus is, you won't be remembered as lying to your family while they lower you into the ground. If you get killed that is. God, I hope not.

We sure can't accuse Oberdan of being Mr. Merry Sunshine now can we?

He is blunt, that's for sure!! But at least he's blunt in a respectful way.