Thread: Jokes

Bad ones, good ones, offensive ones.. doesn't matter: post them here!

Dictionary for women

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card

GEOGRAPHY OF WOMEN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well developed and open to trade,especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France, gently aging but still warm and adesirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, With a glorious and allconquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia, Lost the war and haunted by past mistakes.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia, very wide with borders now unpatrolled.

After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages....only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.

GEOGRAPHY OF MEN

Between 1 and 70, a man is like the USA. Ruled by a dick.

A West Virginia father gets a phone call from his child's elemenatry school nurse.

Nurse: Sir, your daughter came to me to day complaining of irritation around her private parts. After further evaluation, I have come to the conclusion that your young daughter is sexually active. Were you aware that your daughter was sexually active?

Father: Sexually active!?!?! Hell, she just lays there like her momma....

Originally Posted by Maritxu

GEOGRAPHY OF MEN

Between 1 and 70, a man is like the USA. Ruled by a dick.

funnyest and truest thing i have read for a looong time!!