Thread: How To Survive The Apocalypse

How To Survive The Apocalypse: Some Things You Need To Know Before The World Ends



http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/0...ml?view=screen



If you are not currently on the mailing list for birther-warehouse website WorldNetDaily, then you just have no idea how magical it can be. One of the great benefits is that from time to time, WorldNetDaily will send you an email, introducing "major advertisers to our loyal readers and valued customers." And this week, we got one such email, promoting a book called "How To Survive The Collapse Of Civilization", by Bob Livingston. (You can read the whole thing, if the spirit moves you!)



See, at some point in the future, you will inevitably find yourself in the middle of an electromagnetic pulse attack, or a dirty bomb detonation, or thermonuclear war, or terrorist-delivered smallpox attack. THIS IS JUST LIFE, NO ONE DENIES THIS! What are you going to do, when you and the last vestiges of society have to embark on a hardscrabble struggle to perpetuate the human race. If you're like me, and you recognize the fact that your Master of Fine Arts degree and your talent for writing dick jokes about politics are superfluous to society's needs, you will probably just take one for the human race and agree to be culled from the survivors. Hopefully it will be quick and painless, and people will remember your sacrifice fondly!



But if you want to outlive and outsmart and outlast the rampaging cannibal hordes of mutants that will be scavenging the landscape, seeking to suck the sweet, sweet marrow out of your bones, you are going to need some help. Unfortunately, all this guy Bob Livingston can offer you are potassium iodide tablets and bicycles and "victory" gardens and "Amish alternatives to high-tech living." And I say, nuts to that! We can do a lot better.



Seriously, in the event of the total collapse of civilization, do you really want to be tooling around on your fixie, growing radishes and living like the Amish? No, you are going to want to RUN THIS SHIT. So, here's what we suggest to get to gathering:









The apocalypse is no place for wallflowers, so you're going to need to get over your aversion to firearms, and not being a pacifist, really quick. Ma Deuce, also known as the Browning 50 Caliber machine gun, will help you do so in a hurry. I'm no gun expert, but this Browning has been around since WWI, and is still being used to perforate America's enemies today. Outfit your running crew with some of these, and you'll be the alpha dogs of post-collapse America in no time.







You're also going to want to carry some top-flight sidearms capable of blowing a ten-inch hole in the deranged swamp zombies that will want to feast on the brains of your loved ones. Don't pay any mind to getting some fancy, James Bond crap. You won't be posing with the damn thing, you'll be busting caps in some mutant ass. The Heckler and Koch HK .45 caliber is a versatile weapon that'll do the trick.







Yeah, you should probably get yourself a bunch of sick knives, too.





That guy Livingston extols the benefits of having "an ordinary bike." But why settle for an ordinary bike when you can have this bonkers thing, with guns literally pointing in all directions, which you can fire indiscriminately as you try to flee Manhattan from the "Cloverfield" monsters?





Nobody can predict the environmental conditions that will pervade after the EMP/nuke/smallpox holocaust. Maybe there's poison, or viruses, or free-floating fungi that will eat your lungs from the insides. So, you need to get yourself a good gas mask. This will keep your internal organs safe. Plus, maybe you end up tramping through the wilderness with some guy who won't shut up about how sad he is about his dead wife, or how much he misses bubble tea, or how Scientology "offers plenty of solutions that are relevant to this situation." Now, you can just say, "Sorry, I smell something noxious," and put on your mask. Insufferable conversation over!





So, you are seriously just going to sit there and grow vegetables in your "Victory garden?" Damn, son, I don't know what Cormac McCarthy novel you read, but if you're just going to sit there and plant beets, then you better be prepared to protect your little vegan paradise. By strategically placing these bear traps around your garden, you'll be able to prevent the starving humanoid creatures from harvesting your food. Also, can you image how pissed the actual bears are going to be at us, when we destroy the world? Best come correct.



More ...

Normally, tooling around in this sort of vehicle would make you look like, well, a tool. But there's going to be mad international tensions as the old order is exposed to the yawning power vacuum that emerges in the collapse of the government. You best let people know what the score is by kitting out your jeep with as much tacky American kitsch as possible. These colors won't run, unless they are running some fools silly Vespa into a ditch.







I have no idea how society will order itself after the fall of Western Civilization, but I have a pretty good feeling that those with the most pockets are going to emerge as the ruling class. You think those cargo pants from Old Navy are going to cut it? Not bloody likely. Step up to one of these serious vests, and roll with mad compartmentation. Plus, did you hear that airlines are charging for carry-ons now? So wrong.







Holy shit! What on God's green earth is that insane thing? Who knows? But you can bet that no one is going to come within 50 yards of whatever that is! So dress up like whatever the hell this unholy thing is, and watch as people give you a wide berth, because WTF!







Hey, don't forget that The Yes Men have been gaming out the end of the world for a long time now, and have already developed the SurvivaBall, specifically designed to offer you protection from whatever extreme climate craziness Mother Earth throws at you. Sure, you will look like an ungainly sphere of rubber biscuit dough, but it's not like everyone's going to be bodysnarking you! This is the apocalypse, there's no judgment here.



Good Luck!

Everyone always wonders "what would I do if civilization collapsed and 9/10 of the population was wiped out?"



But the answer is pretty clear... "be dead".



I think Bob Dylan put it in a song.

Well, the doctor interrupted me just about then

Sayin’, “Hey I’ve been havin’ the same old dreams

But mine was a little different you see

I dreamt that the only person left after the war was me

I didn’t see you around”



Well, now time passed and now it seems

Everybody’s having them dreams

Everybody sees themselves

Walkin’ around with no one else

Half of the people can be part right all of the time

Some of the people can be all right part of the time

But all of the people can’t be all right all of the time

I think Abraham Lincoln said that

“I’ll let you be in my dreams if I can be in yours”

I said that

[quote name='Dr.Knuckles' date='21 April 2010 - 01:11 PM' timestamp='1271869893' post='141824']

Everyone always wonders "what would I do if civilization collapsed and 9/10 of the population was wiped out?"



But the answer is pretty clear... "be dead".



I think Bob Dylan put it in a song.

[/quote]



Bob Dyland is a strange F*ck.